WARNING: The following message is rated "R" (for "Republican"). It contains no sex or violence, but does contain adult-oriented political satire. You should stop reading instantly if you are: (a) under 18 years of age; (b) uptight and thin-skinned; (c) oblivious to the truth; or, (d) unable to laugh at yourself and others.
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NATIONAL POLITICAL TEST (NPT) 2004:
"YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF . . ."
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INSTRUCTIONS: You might be a Republican. To learn the truth about yourself, study each statement below to see how well it expresses your attitude. Then write your score, on the FAR RIGHT side of the page, using a binary scale of either ZERO = No Agreement (i.e., a "Nasty Liberal") or TEN = Total Agreement (i.e., a "Proud Conservative").
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SELF-TEST: You might be a Republican IF . . .

A. POLITICS: You might be a Republican if . . .

1. You truly believe "liberals hate America." You know no facts that support this silly shibboleth, but you've heard it repeated so many times by Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity that you've come to believe it with all your heart. (If it wasn't true, they wouldn't keep repeating it, right?)

2. You realize everything in life is absolutely black or white. Anyone who opposes you must be labeled and hated because only evil people have wrong ideas. In the beginning, when God created mankind, He made all the smart people tall, white, rich, male, American, good-looking, well-dressed, cleanly-showered, English-speaking, and conservative. Oh, yes, and HETERO-sexual. And mostly Catholic or fundamentalist. From red states only.

3. You have mastered the subtle intricacies of geopolitics. You believe that, in March 2003, America had only two choices: (1) start an unprovoked war against Iraq, or (2) put our silly heads in the sand like wimpy ostriches and let "Old Europe" and the rest of that debating society in the United Nations continue sending incompetent Hans Blix and his ineffectual gang of goofy inspectors into Iraq, looking under rocks all day for non-existent weapons of mass destruction like a bunch of weak-sister advocates of French appeasement. Damn right! Bring 'em on! The truth is, if somebody had stopped Hitler sooner, people wouldn't be driving Volkswagens. Thank God, George W. Bush was too brave and too smart to make the wrong decision.

4. Or you believe that, in March 2003, America had only two choices: (1) take the word of a mad-man, or (2) defend America. Given that choice, staunch George W. Bush will make the right choice every time.

5. Or you believe that, in March 2003, America had only two choices: (1) stick hot pokers in our ears, eat chards of broken glass with crawly cockroaches, roll around in hot tar and feathers, hit ourselves over the head with rubber mallets, and then sit naked in a tub of sulfuric acid until our skin turned blue; or, (2) invade Iraq. The final choice was clear.

6. When you have no good answer to defend George W. Bush, you quickly change the subject by attacking Bill Clinton. You are filled with inner disgust by that lying, ultra-liberal, adulterating, draft-dodging, America-hating, lip-chewing, egotistical, lecherous, Vince-Foster-murdering, drug-dealing, plump-intern-diddling, saxophone-tooting, memoir-writing phony. In addition, you are amazed that people today do not show our beloved President, George W. Bush, more reverence or greater respect.


B. WAR IN IRAQ: You might be a Republican if . . .

7. You believe it is very unfair to be a Monday-morning quarterback by complaining that the war against Iraq was unjustified because: (a) no weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq; (b) there was no direct link (despite what Dick Cheney keeps saying) between Saddam Hussein, al Qaeda, and the 9/11 attacks; (c) many of the people in Iraq have gradually turned against the so-called Coalition of the Willing and are dedicated to kicking the U.S. out (but let's call them "insurgents," not Iraqis); (d) our military forces are so badly over-stretched worldwide that DOD has broken promises and extended tours of duty, put poorly-trained National Guard troops in foreign combat, and called retired military (some over 50 years old) back onto active duty; and finally: (e) support and respect for the United States in most of the world has sunk to an all-time low. What a bunch of cowardly nit-picking!

8. You support the President 110%. You know that President Bush, VP Cheney, and National Security Advisor Rice all repeatedly told the American people that, if we did not overthrow Saddam Hussein immediately, America would soon see a smoking gun in the form of a "mushroom cloud." People are just too literal. Our leaders didn't mean Hussein had nuclear weapons. They were just using figurative language, in a diplomatic way, to imply Saddam Hussein is a horse's patoot (hence, he might emit a "mushroom cloud").

9. You often argue that Saddam Hussein "used weapons of mass destruction against his own people." What you don't say (or don't know) is that this incident happened over 16 years ago, in March 1988, when Hussein gassed the village of Halabja, killing five thousand Iraqi Kurds. Hussein committed many atrocities for years, using chemical weapons against Iran during the Iraq-Iran War, 1980-88. Didn't you know that Hussein was fully supported by then-President George H.W. Bush, despite Hussein's use of chemical weapons? (Bush was cheering for Iraq to beat Iran.) Didn't you know that many of Hussein's chemical weapons were provided by Western firms? And that, in 1984, our own Centers for Disease Control started giving Hussein biological materials, including viruses, retroviruses, bacteria, fungi, and tissue infected with bubonic plague, plus several types of West Nile virus as well as plague-infected mouse tissue smears. Guess what key person carried out U.S. policy in Baghdad during this period . . . Donald (himself) Rumsfeld, who assured Hussein in March 1984 that U.S. support would not change, despite Hussein's use of chemical weapons. Yes, Saddam Hussein used weapons of mass destruction, which were given to him by the United States, and the first Bush Administration did nothing to object until 1990 after Iraq invaded Kuwait.

10. You believe we must bring freedom and democracy to Iraq. And the best way, without a doubt, was to declare war against Iraq and invade it, to award multiple no-bid profiteering contracts to campaign donors like Halliburton, and to appoint (prior to any election) a hand-selected "council" as rulers over all the Iraqi people. Okay, so it's not the Philadelphia Convention of 1789, but it's almost an exit strategy!

11. You are convinced the people of Iraq are better off now, without that evil dictator, Saddam Hussein, in power. It is easily worth the cost (including over $200 billion-plus in U.S. taxpayer dollars, growing worldwide hatred, and a savage toll of over 5,000-plus Americans wounded and approaching 1,000 Americans killed). And, uh, what about the evil dictators still in power in North Korea, Iran, Syria, Sudan, and elsewhere? . . . never mind.


C. FREEDOM & LAW: You might be a Republican if . . .

12. You believe it's okay for the Government to declare you an "enemy combatant," jail you at Guatanamo for years without charges or a lawyer or due process, search your home without a warrant, secretly read your e-mail, and monitor all the books you read. That's how they'll protect your freedom.

13. You want all courts and judges to be "strict constructionists" who respect the legal sovereignty of the states and simply interpret the U.S. Constitution as originally intended by the Founding Fathers . . . except, just that once, when the Supreme Court overruled Florida law and picked Dubyah as President of the United States.

14. You realize that, to defeat the terrorists, personal sacrifices will be required. Like, we may be forced to "postpone" the U.S. national election due to "circumstances" (like bad poll results). We may even have to destroy American democracy in order to save it. The war against terror is more important than any petty luxury like voting. And who says all votes will be counted, anyway?

15. You believe the color-coded (Yellow-Orange-Red) yo-yo "Fear Alerts" on terrorism are very worthwhile. Sure, maybe citizens aren't given anything specific to do, and maybe our leaders don't have a clue about WHAT will happen, or WHEN, WHERE, or HOW. But it's psychologically healthy to keep reminding everyone to live each day in a constant state of unnamed dread, anxiety, and fear. Obviously, when all Americans aren't feeling constant, uncontrollable terror, the terrorists have already won.

16. You are totally convinced that neither John Ashcroft, Tom Ridge, Dick Cheney, nor George W. Bush would ever do anything that is pointless, inept, questionable, or calculated for political gain in an election year.

17. You trust your Government without hesitation. And you haven't read George Orwell's novel "1984" since school, if ever.


D. THE ECONOMY: You might be a Republican if . . .

18. You heard the Bush Administration came into office with a SURPLUS (left over by Clinton) of over 5.6 trillion dollars, then performed an economic miracle by turning the economy around 180 degrees. Bush created the biggest Federal budget DEFICIT in U.S. history (now projected at 1.4 trillion dollars). He accomplished this dazzling feat by: (a) rewarding the wealthiest, privileged few with two massive tax cuts, (b) cutting or underfunding social programs for the needy (using ironic names like "No Child Left Behind"); and (c) waging two simultaneous wars in Afghanistan and Iraq without bothering to fully fund them in the budget. But maybe the price of victory will ONLY be runaway inflation. Anyway, stop worrying . . . you have absolutely no understanding of why a huge Federal deficit is so dangerous. How could it possibly damage the future lives of yourself, your children, and your grand-children?

19. You believe a strong economy is essential and the minimum wage should be kept as low as possible. Anybody who can't live royally on $5.15 an hour is obviously just lazy and stupid. Capitalism gives less-skilled workers a perfect incentive, by paying millions of dollars to corporate CEO's in salaries, bonuses, and stock options, even if their companies lose millions, squander pension funds, or go bankrupt. It's a moral example for the lower classes to work harder and stay off welfare. Hell, we raised the minimum wage eight years ago!

20. You think it's good for the economy if manufacturing companies outsource jobs by firing American workers and letting their work be done by foreigners in India, China, or the Philippines. For anyone willing to work, plenty of opportunities are available, especially now, since the Government has reclassified working at MacDonalds as a "manufacturing" job.


E. FAMILY VALUES: You might be a Republican if . . .

21. You think the FCC should punish Howard Stern for using bad language, but it's just fine if Dick Cheney tells a senator to go "F*CK" himself. In fact, you're glad Cheney is such a tough guy (like Bush) who never makes a mistake and refuses to apologize.

22. You believe devoutly in the sanctity of life and are totally "Pro-Life." But you also think we should execute every last person on death row as fast as possible. After that, let's kill all the trial lawyers!

23. You believe the proposed Equal Rights Amendment (E.R.A.) to the Constitution was frivolous and unnecessary. Women and minorities already have all the rights they deserve. However, it is an urgent moral necessity to amend the Constitution immediately to prevent people of the same sex from the right to join into a lifetime, legal commitment through marriage. Really, "family values" can go only so far (just ask the ex-wives of Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich).

24. You are usually angry, always unforgiving, and find it hard to smile genuinely.


F. VINDICTIVE LOYALTY: You might be a Republican if . . .

25. You believe that, if some tattletale former Administration insider dares to publish a book (for example: Paul O'Neill, Richard Clarke, Joseph Wilson, or CIA's "Anonymous"), they also deserve to be vilified and publicly slimed. Really, it's despicable when people exploit the First Amendment to spill their own version of "official truth." Such so-called "freedom of speech" should be a felony under the revised Patriot Act.

26. You think that if Bill Clinton lied about sex, it's a serious crime and he should be impeached. But if George W. Bush used a false pretext to start a preemptive war in the Middle East, it's simply an understandable "failure of intelligence," no pun intended. (Maybe it was a "War-Drove Malfunction.")

27. You see no problem if Dick Cheney refuses to reveal the names of people on his secret Energy Task Force. (Maybe it included no environmentalists, just folks like Ken Lay and scorch-the-planet executives hungry to cut down the national forests, strip-mine the West, and pump all the oil from the Alaskan wilderness . . . so???) Secrecy is relative, anyway, because you feel peachy that high-level Administration officials got revenge against Ambassador Joseph Wilson by illegally "outing" his wife, Valerie Plame, as a CIA operative and endangering the lives of her and other CIA agents. (Karl Rove announced that she was "fair game," so she obviously deserved it.)


G. MILITARY SERVICE: You might be a Republican if . . .

28. You think it's perfectly justifiable to attack the patriotism of war heroes like John McCain (in 2000), Max Cleland (in 2002), and John Kerry (in 2004). On the other hand, it's just "partisan spin" to ask if George W. Bush fulfilled the last two years of his six-year obligation in the Texas Air National Guard.

29. You believe every patriotic American citizen should support the United States in times of foreign peril. The only exemptions should be for politicians, propagandists, and bureaucrats who eagerly send other people's sons and daughters off to war. It's "no big deal" that all these war hawks avoided U.S. military service: Dick Cheney, Tom Delay, Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Pat Buchanan, Kenneth Starr, Bill Frist, Trent Lott, Dennis Hastert, Newt Gingrich, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, Douglas Feith, Dick Armey, Mitch McConnell, Rick Santorum, John Kyl, Saxbe Chambliss, Jack Kemp, Vin Weber, Spencer Abraham, Dana Rohrabacher, George Will, Michael Savage, Michael Medved, Bill Kristol, Ralph Reed, Bill Bennett, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, George Pataki, Rudy Giuliani, and Jeb Bush.

30. You are outraged by young Americans who could have avoided military service, but chose instead to serve their country. What "hot dogs"! Those who served honorably in the U.S. military services (facing the risk of death, wounding, or capture) include: John Kerry, Dick Gephardt, Tom Daschle, Al Gore, Bob Kerrey, Daniel Inouye, Charles Rangel, Max Cleland, Ted Kennedy, Don Rumsfeld, John McCain, Bob Dole, Chuck Hagel, Colin Powell, Jim Jeffords, Jesse Ventura, Tom Harkin, Gray Davis, Fritz Hollings, John Glenn, Walter Mondale, and Jimmy Carter. Obviously, they were all devious politicians who wore a military uniform just for expediency. You are convinced that John Kerry got shot three times in Viet Nam, won three Purple Hearts, and was awarded the Silver Star in combat and the Bronze Star with Combat V for heroism, just so it might look good someday on his resume.


H. THE MEDIA

31. You are somehow humanly capable of listening to more than fifteen seconds of Rush Limbaugh without feeling manipulated, needing a shower, or throwing something.

32. You also think Ann Coulter is NOT full of warped beans.

33. You dismiss Michael Moore's movie, "Fahrenheit 9/11," by saying he distorts facts for political purposes, plus he is ugly, fat, obnoxious, and a blow-hard. It's easy for you to condemn this movie because you refuse to ever see it. Also, you are too busy listening to radio rants by an ugly, fat, obnoxious blow-hard who distorts the facts for political purposes (named Rush Limbaugh).

34. You are also clever enough to avoid ever watching the movie, "Outfoxed." That way, you can still say (without laughing out loud) that Fox News is "Fair and Balanced." It's so typical of the liberal media to imply that Fox News (the one true source of reality in the world) has a right-wing bias and slants its coverage. As Rupert Murdoch once said: "Facts" are merely the enemy of truth.


I. WORLD AFFAIRS: You might be a Republican if . . .

35. You strongly agree with the Department of Defense that the Geneva Conventions about the treatment of prisoners are old-fashioned and "quaint." Besides, just like Rush said, torture is no worse than a fraternity hazing.

36. You are certain that anybody who disagrees with whatever the President says, in a "time of war," is obviously a deviant, big-spending, America-hating, dark-hearted evil-doer who supports the terrorists.

37. Your personal knowledge of the Middle East is based exclusively on what you've seen second-hand on TV, in movies, and in your imagination, plus what your favorite right-wing commentators tell you. You know next-to-nothing about Islam, Saudi Arabia, or The Koran. You don't understand Wahhabism and you can't tell a Sunni from a Shiite.


J. HISTORY: You might be a Republican if . . .

38. You have forgotten that the greatest President in U.S. history, Abraham Lincoln, was also the first REPUBLICAN president . . . and a big loudmouth liberal.